Thomas David Wright

“They are Taking The Hobbits To Isengard”

Tonight I was going to post something intelligent and insightful. Then I got around to start writing something and it was 1:30am. So then I lowered my ambitions, but I’m still sorry about this…

I can still remember the day my dad took me on his knee and told me an important life lesson:

“Son, there will be times when you find a mildly amusing remix of a cult film. It might be Starwars, ST:NG or even an advert about loving horses best of all the animals. Just remember, it’s OK to watch these, and maybe have a little chortle to yourself. But son, don’t ever repost these videos on your blog - it’s just not cool.”

Bear in mind, boys and girls, that this was ca. 1991, a time when the internet was something I had no concept of, when speed was measured in kbps (if at all) and when YouTube was just a IP lawyer’s wet-dream. With all that in mind, I’d like you all to take a moment to reflect on quite how astute and ahead-of-the-curve my dear Papa’s advice had been. Good work Pa, but 17 years later I’ve decided to ignore you.

Please forgive me,

Tom x

On what could be…

If I ever need to really fill myself with a sense of wasted opportunity, despair and loathing, all I have to do is listen to Glitter and Trauma by Biffy Clyro for more than 1.5 minutes.

Here’s the track, so you can see (hear) what I mean:

That really pisses me off. It’s a beautiful start to a song, an album, or anything at all, but that fist 1 minute 30 seconds is the only Biffy Clyro that I actually enjoy. The rest of the song is shite and, after a cursory scan through the rest of their stuff, I have to say that it’s all much the same.

Which leads me to issue a musical challenge to the world. If anyone can take that first 1.5 minutes and build on it - allowing the little caterpillar to undergo its metamorphosis into a stonking song - then I shall give that person a large amount of money and my undying love.

There, the gauntlet’s down. Go forth and make song!

Tom x

Science demonstrates the correct orientation of toilet roll.

Image by ashoooo.

Science is your friend kids, your cool, slightly older, friend. Like the one that introduced you to crack.

Anyway it turns out that science has finally done something useful for us - science has shown us empirically (and with diagrams!) how best to arrange our toilet roll on the holder.

Yup, hang-over is not only more convenient than dangle-under, but that the dangle approach can pose serious threats to you, the environment and the people you love. Pay heed.

Tom x

A really big bakewell

Image by didbygraham and I’d really recommend clicking for biggerer.

So it’s been a while since I last posted on here. This is chiefly because I’ve been dashing around filming kids and trying to find a fourth housemate. I’d like to point out that the two are not related…

Anyway, I wanted to share some happiness. Like the title of this post would imply, the happiness today will take the form of a really big bakewell tart. Yay!

To appreciate the true magnificence of Mr Pineapples achievement, one must look past the obvious fact (that it isn’t really a bakewell tart at all) and focus on the sheer ingenuity and determination that one man can possess.

Hats off to the man that didn’t give up when he couldn’t find a giant cherry. Hurrah!

Tom X

As an interesting sidenote, our man Mr Pineapple states that he may drink the vanilla flavouring to make up for not remembering to include it in the cake mix. May I take the opportunity to advise you all that “Vanilla Extract” is commonly made from petrol byproducts and (regardless of its origin) can do nasty things to you in high concentrations. </warning>

Jobs A-Z

Thought I’d share this as I’m too busy at the moment to write a real post.

A-Z List of careers:

• Air traffic controller
• Banker
• Crane operator
• Doctor
• Estate agent
• Fireman
• Graphic designer
• Hairdresser
• Ichthyologist
• Journalist
• Knitter
• Lawyer
• Musician
• Nurse
• Occupational Therapist
• Policeman
• Quantity Surveyor
• Receptionist
• Scientist
• Teacher
• Urban planner
• Vet
• Webmaster
• Xylophone salesman
• Yodeller
• Zoo keeper

In case you’re wondering, I’m preparing a lesson plan for a group of 10-11 year olds. I’m absolutely bricking it. Wish me luck boys and girls…

How not to walk away from a project…

OK - earlier today I said that I was going to stop messing about with ASCII and Brainfuck…

Well, I lied.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please put your hands together for the amazing

Brainfuck ASCII art message concealer!

“What does it do though Tom?” - Put simply, it hides text inside an image of your choice. To do this, does the following:

• First it creates the Brainfuck script for the text you supply
• Next it creates an ASCII version of the picture (default or user supplied)
• Third is replaces the non-brainfuck ASCII characters with the brainfuck script, in order, and with respect to the brightness of each ‘pixel’.

Still confused? Don’t worry - Brainfuck is just a really minimalist programming language. Here it is on Wikipedia and in the 99 Bottles repository.

I’d like to thank Jonathan Ford for writing the class on which the ASCII picture generator is based.

Source files:

• BF_text class
• Modified ASCII class

And, because I’m feeling reckless, a snippet:

  private function conceal ($char) {
    if (($this->pointer < count($this->msgarray))&&(in_array($char, $this->matches[$this->msgarray[$this->pointer]]))) {
      $char = $this->msgarray[$this->pointer];
      $this->pointer++;
    }
    return $char;
  }

How’d you like them apples? I’m tired now, and am going to bed.

You’ve been wonderful,

Tom x

2 Shiny Toys To Play With

As promised yesterday, I have some exciting surprises for you all. It’s not quite as finished as I’d like, but I need to carry on with my life. Shame…

Anyway, I’d like to introduce you all to a couple of friendly mini-tools that I wrote:

Brainfuck text encoder

Brainfuck is (before I’m yelled at) is a legitimate (though slightly esoteric) programming language. It has only 8 functions and is consequently a bit tricky to use in real life.

This app generates a BF script that will (upon execution) output the text of your choice.

ASCII art darkness comparison

This is entirely different. It allows you to compare an ASCII character of your choice with a customizable palette of other ASCII characters. This is almost entirely pointless on it’s own, but may be of some use if you were building, oh I don’t know, an ASCII art generator?

So there you go. Next time I’m bored I’ll finish building what I started - The brainfuck text ascii art concealer! Mwahahah! Watch this space,

Tom

Assorted notices for the discerning gentleman

Hey all,

Meant to do a proper post today, but got bogged down in a new challenge I’ve set myself. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see what I’ve been up to, but rest assured - I’m very excited about it! =)

Since the above isn’t really all that substantive, I’m going to take the chance to splurge some of the smaller bits and pieces that have been fluffing up my brain lately…

Firstly - I showed this to Pete earlier and he asked why I’d never posted about it…

• Type “telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl” into bash, dos or whatever you call your command line
• Sit back and relax
• Profit?

It’s seriously geeky, but also incredibly amazing.

The other thing was this:

Which is also very geeky, and which I also highly enjoyed.

I’ll get my coat…

My council… Makes such delightful posters

When I saw this on the BBC, I thought is was some sort of late April-fools thing. Alas no, it really has come to this…

Yummy.

This is the inspired work of the Local Government Association, whose press release says the ads are in response to a general under-appreciation of the work our councils do. Fancy another? Be my guest:

Wowee…

Not really sure why there’s a question mark on the second one… Does the young man doubt the efficacy of his local council? Surely not!

I must confess to hand-picking two of the more dubious posters. Generally I can imagine them as highly reassuring to the tax payers of the country. Good work LGA, and have fun at your conference this weekend.

Tom x

Beware the unsupported knorks

Today I thought I’d share some unabashed childishness.

Behold: The wobbly boob simulator.

It’s NSFW, but otherwise oddly enjoyable. A bit like an organic lava lamp…

To redeem myself from perversion, I’d like to encourage you all to donate to Cancer Research UK.

Have a lovely Sunday evening,

Tom