Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is with great pleasure that I post the next link… Please put your sticky hands together for the one, the only, the marvellous masturbation metaphor generator!
I found this little gem on the b3ta links board, so many thanks to flatfrog for making and sharing this wonderful device. All hail flatfrog!
Feel free to post any that tickle you in the comments.
Tom x
I ask you when you watch this, please look past the gaudy Americanisms and watch it all the way through. Please forgive the smultz and overstressed points. They can’t help it, it’s what they’re used to.
At the same time, watch it with a mind critical of the facts. I was aware of a lot of the stuff they mention before, yet much of it I’d heard ascribed to other causes or entities. It’s really hard to ascertain exactly what is fact, what is being covered up by the-powers-that-be and what is nothing more than the overactive imagination of conspiracy theorists.
All that aside, Zeitgeist is the culmination of a broad swathe of (the growing) alternate view of the world and is by no means a lone voice. Many of the points raised are self-evident and many more are neither denied or disputed.
The last point I’d like to make is that, regardless of how much of the movie you’ll walk away believing, by the end of it you’ll at least be thinking about the world in a much more critical way. And that can’t be a bad thing.
Tom x
PS Nods to Freddie for mentioning this when I last saw him.
Thanks to Curious Cat for warning me of the latest tactic of the evil robot insurgency - penetration of the homes of our elderly relatives. Disgusting isn’t it?
Sure, they look pretty useful, but what’s in it for them? We know the robot scum better than that! Whilst neither Curious Cat nor myself can offer an explanation, I’ll hazard a couple of guesses… Maybe they’re going to hypnotize the growing ranks of the elderly and use their (copious) free time to build more nefarious machines! Or maybe they’ll wait until grandma’s asleep and use their mind-harvesters to gain the wisdom that only age can bring…
Whatever they’ve got planned, you can bet your meaty buns it won’t be nice. Take my advice, keep your elderly relatives locked away. Perhaps under the stairs.
Be safe,
Tom x
Tonight I was going to post something intelligent and insightful. Then I got around to start writing something and it was 1:30am. So then I lowered my ambitions, but I’m still sorry about this…
I can still remember the day my dad took me on his knee and told me an important life lesson:
“Son, there will be times when you find a mildly amusing remix of a cult film. It might be Starwars, ST:NG or even an advert about loving horses best of all the animals. Just remember, it’s OK to watch these, and maybe have a little chortle to yourself. But son, don’t ever repost these videos on your blog - it’s just not cool.”
Bear in mind, boys and girls, that this was ca. 1991, a time when the internet was something I had no concept of, when speed was measured in kbps (if at all) and when YouTube was just a IP lawyer’s wet-dream. With all that in mind, I’d like you all to take a moment to reflect on quite how astute and ahead-of-the-curve my dear Papa’s advice had been. Good work Pa, but 17 years later I’ve decided to ignore you.
Please forgive me,
Tom x
If I ever need to really fill myself with a sense of wasted opportunity, despair and loathing, all I have to do is listen to Glitter and Trauma by Biffy Clyro for more than 1.5 minutes.
Here’s the track, so you can see (hear) what I mean:
That really pisses me off. It’s a beautiful start to a song, an album, or anything at all, but that fist 1 minute 30 seconds is the only Biffy Clyro that I actually enjoy. The rest of the song is shite and, after a cursory scan through the rest of their stuff, I have to say that it’s all much the same.
Which leads me to issue a musical challenge to the world. If anyone can take that first 1.5 minutes and build on it - allowing the little caterpillar to undergo its metamorphosis into a stonking song - then I shall give that person a large amount of money and my undying love.
There, the gauntlet’s down. Go forth and make song!
Tom x
Image by ashoooo.
Science is your friend kids, your cool, slightly older, friend. Like the one that introduced you to crack.
Anyway it turns out that science has finally done something useful for us - science has shown us empirically (and with diagrams!) how best to arrange our toilet roll on the holder.
Yup, hang-over is not only more convenient than dangle-under, but that the dangle approach can pose serious threats to you, the environment and the people you love. Pay heed.
Tom x
Image by didbygraham and I’d really recommend clicking for biggerer.
So it’s been a while since I last posted on here. This is chiefly because I’ve been dashing around filming kids and trying to find a fourth housemate. I’d like to point out that the two are not related…
Anyway, I wanted to share some happiness. Like the title of this post would imply, the happiness today will take the form of a really big bakewell tart. Yay!
To appreciate the true magnificence of Mr Pineapples achievement, one must look past the obvious fact (that it isn’t really a bakewell tart at all) and focus on the sheer ingenuity and determination that one man can possess.
Hats off to the man that didn’t give up when he couldn’t find a giant cherry. Hurrah!
Tom X
As an interesting sidenote, our man Mr Pineapple states that he may drink the vanilla flavouring to make up for not remembering to include it in the cake mix. May I take the opportunity to advise you all that “Vanilla Extract” is commonly made from petrol byproducts and (regardless of its origin) can do nasty things to you in high concentrations. </warning>
Thought I’d share this as I’m too busy at the moment to write a real post.
A-Z List of careers:
In case you’re wondering, I’m preparing a lesson plan for a group of 10-11 year olds. I’m absolutely bricking it. Wish me luck boys and girls…
OK - earlier today I said that I was going to stop messing about with ASCII and Brainfuck…
Well, I lied.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please put your hands together for the amazing
Brainfuck ASCII art message concealer!
“What does it do though Tom?” - Put simply, it hides text inside an image of your choice. To do this, does the following:
Still confused? Don’t worry - Brainfuck is just a really minimalist programming language. Here it is on Wikipedia and in the 99 Bottles repository.
I’d like to thank Jonathan Ford for writing the class on which the ASCII picture generator is based.
Source files:
And, because I’m feeling reckless, a snippet:
private function conceal ($char) { if (($this->pointer < count($this->msgarray))&&(in_array($char, $this->matches[$this->msgarray[$this->pointer]]))) { $char = $this->msgarray[$this->pointer]; $this->pointer++; } return $char; }
How’d you like them apples? I’m tired now, and am going to bed.
You’ve been wonderful,
Tom x
As promised yesterday, I have some exciting surprises for you all. It’s not quite as finished as I’d like, but I need to carry on with my life. Shame…
Anyway, I’d like to introduce you all to a couple of friendly mini-tools that I wrote:
Brainfuck is (before I’m yelled at) is a legitimate (though slightly esoteric) programming language. It has only 8 functions and is consequently a bit tricky to use in real life.
This app generates a BF script that will (upon execution) output the text of your choice.
This is entirely different. It allows you to compare an ASCII character of your choice with a customizable palette of other ASCII characters. This is almost entirely pointless on it’s own, but may be of some use if you were building, oh I don’t know, an ASCII art generator?
So there you go. Next time I’m bored I’ll finish building what I started - The brainfuck text ascii art concealer! Mwahahah! Watch this space,
Tom
My facebook status